Sports Day madness by @skychaserhigh79

Another cracking post from our resident guest-blogging head.

Had your sports day or about to? This post is for you… Some statements here scarily realistic.

Sports day rules.

These are the rules for sports day, how to organise and how to oversee.

  1. Sports day should be organised by the least ‘sporty’ member of staff who shall groan and grumble and spend hours searching for sacks.

  2. Revolutionary new ideas should be tabled about how to ‘spice up’ sports day no earlier than one week before the scheduled day.  This is vital in ensuring that most of the preceding staff meeting is taken up formulating new plans, races and events.  It is then equally vital that the decision is made that a school should ‘do it like last year’ for ease.

  3. Following the above decision, promises must be made to ‘think about it earlier next year’.  Everyone must nod sagely and look determined at this point.

  4. Parents should regularly phone the school to ask about the date and time of sports day.  The original time and date on the three letters is not to be trusted at all and this needs to be checked personally.

  5. Parents should phone school at least a week prior to sports day to ask what the weather is forecast for the allotted day.  Parents are then required to express derisive disbelief when they are informed that school doesn’t know.

  6. The predicted weather for sports day is the only topic allowed to be discussed on the school yard in the week preceding the event.

  7. Every parent should make a great effort to inform their child’s teacher about how difficult it was for them to take the time off work to attend.

  8. Teacher’s should ensure that they have a detailed, to the minute breakdown of all predicted event times to ensure that parents can take the minimum time off work and get back promptly.

  9. At no point should parents ever acknowledge that teachers may well have to miss their own children’s sports days every year.  Parents should not acknowledge that their child’s teacher has any sort of life away from their child.

  10. The day of sports day will either be boiling hot, or raining.  There is no other weather that is acceptable for a school sports day.

  11. Most staff members will receive vitally important phone calls on sports day morning, meaning that they are unable to help set up. In most cases these phone calls will require follow up calls immediately after the events have finished, of course meaning that they are unable to help clear up.

  12. All staff will make it clear to the children that it is the taking part that is important and not the winning.  All children will look at their teachers and know that they are lying.

  13. At least five children in each class will not have trainers, at least four out of the five should ask in all seriousness if they can do it in bare feet.

  14. Under no circumstances should the painted lines for sports day be straight.  This would deny the parents the chance to complain about unfairness and begin sentences with ‘if it wasn’t for the wonky lines on her track, our **** would have won that.’

  15. The megaphone used by the head to address the parents should have batteries that will last for a maximum of half the time of the event.  The preferred life span is three races.

  16. The head teacher must ensure that they cannot be heard by at least 50% of the parents present.    This is very important as some rules are for only a select few parents and obviously the more important parents do not need to follow them.

  17. Parents should ensure that they complain to the teachers that it is too hot or too cold.  This is important as it encourages a teacher’ sense of omnipotence in their God like ability to control the weather.

  18. Parents should ensure that they take every opportunity to inform the staff which day would have suited them better.  Staff are particularly pleased to hear that ‘Friday would have been better for me as I have a half day and could go straight from here to have my nails done.’

  19. Parents should remember to complain loudly about the lack of organisation.  This is very important as it gives staff a clear idea of how they could do better.

  20. Many excuses should be listened to for a child’s poor performance.  Remember, it is never the child’s fault for failure, reasonable mitigating factors include: The wind blew them, they had a dodgy spoon/egg/sack/beanbag, the other kids are bigger/stronger/faster, they were up late last night, they’re not well, his hamster died, he has funny-shaped feet…  All excuses should be taken very seriously by the staff.

  21. Bins are for other people to deposit litter in, not parents.

  22. Staff should ensure that they arrive at school early, before their important phone call, and dig holes in the track, parents should be encouraged to point these out at regular intervals.

  23. All trips and or falls should be treated as severe accidents involving the use of stretchers and ice packs.  This is particularly important for the older children as this injury will form the major basis of their ‘I would have won if…’ rhetoric later.

  24. Mothers of smaller children should be actively encouraged to race onto the field of events at the sign of the slightest wobble and be encouraged to cuddle their child for no less than thirty seconds.  If at all possible, the onrushing mother should ensure that they knock over at least one other child so that more parents can take part.

  25. Parents should be encouraged to bring sugary sweets and drinks for their athletes, it is important to win the competition about who loves their child the most which is determined by the amount of ‘ket’ they can secrete upon their child, post-race.

  26. Parents are reminded that they should take every chance to inform their child’s teacher about their own sporting prowess.  This is particularly important for the fathers with young, pretty teachers.  Please note that no achievement is deemed too far back to be worthless, and teachers enjoy hearing about parents own infant sports day successes.  An egg and spoon win in 1984 certainly makes up for a pot belly and halitosis in 2014.

  27. It is vital that parents organise themselves to be split 50/50 and take ordered turns to complain that sports day should: a) be more competitive.  Then b) less competitive.  Most complaints should begin with the phrase ‘when I was at school…’

  28. Teachers should ensure that they keep a detailed record of which parents love their children the most, aside from the sweets this is also proven by how loud they yell during each race.

  29. Parents should be reminded to ask staff why the chairs are so small, we never get tired of explaining that the chairs are for children because we are a primary school.

  30. A parents’ race should be met with shuffling indifference or narcissistic enthusiasm, there is no middle ground.

  31. Any parents racing in the parents’ event should ensure that they have adequate trouser fastening, there are no bonus points for trousers dropping mid race.

  32. Fathers should be reminded that this race is vitally important and winning this race compensates for all other minor losses in life including having a worse job/car/uglier wife than the men you beat, having a tiny penis or living in squalor.

  33. Parents should ensure that if they have a full day off and are going to the local pub to sit in a beer garden all afternoon, then they must tell the staff of their plans.  It is vital to our peace of mind to know that you are enjoying your afternoon while we continue to baby sit your children.

  34. As sports day comes at the end of term, parents are advised that they should not forget to tell teaching staff how lucky they are to have six weeks off.  If they wish to add that they are dreading looking after their child for so long then this is welcomed.

  35. Parents should make sure that they enquire about the date for next year’s event, this keeps staff on their toes.

 Written by @skychaserhigh79

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